It’s been a long, long time

Another day and yet unbelievably I’m still here.  I can’t quite believe it myself really–but it’s true.  I still think it’s a bad dream, that I am alive and Seth is not but I am here and that is something.  All of the changes that I have been through and all of the changes in the world are sometimes really hard for me to accept but I must.  I like the way I look and feel most of the time but sometimes I have to really push myself to get up and do things.

I have pain most of the time and I know that If I exercise I will feel better.  Went looking at gyms yesterday.  I will figure out the one and then I will go.  I have the diet thing down now and under control.  So am now pretty much at a size and weight that I am comfortable at and it works for me now.

I am making art more often and it helps me to focus and stay out of the funk and the hole that I can go into very easily.  I get excited about buying clothes and I cannot let myself indulge too often because it just costs too damn much!

I still love to cook and I do, but I just don’t do fattening anymore!  I made a delicious butternut squash soup that was really good and low calorie.  Here’s the recipe:

Butternut Squash Soup

1 Tablespoon olive oil

2 large leeks

1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

3/8 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg

1 1/2 lb. butternut squash, peeled and cubed

2 large carrots, peeled and cut

3 cups fat-free, low sodium chicken or vegetable broth


freshly ground pepper

Spray large soup pot with olive oil spray.  Add olive oil and heat over medium-high heat.  Add and saute’ thinly sliced leeks until translucent and soft.  Add cinnamon and nutmeg and cook an additional minutes while stirring. Add squash, carrots and broth and bring to a boil.  Reduce to a simmer and cover.  Cook for an additional 20 to 25 minutes until a vegetables are soft.  Puree soup with an immersion blender or food processor or blender.  Be careful soup does not explode by not filling blender container too high.  Season with salt and pepper to taste and enjoy!  Delicious!

Since it is almost Halloween and that was our favorite holiday, here is a photograph of Seth’s last Halloween, the weekend before he died.  He made this costume as always, and it was from Where the Wild Thing’s Are–his favorite book when he was little.  The movie had just come out and he love it so much that he made himself the Max costume.  It is perfect down to the smallest details.  Miss you Seth.



I adore this blog by Gretchen Miller!

creativity in motion

Earlier this week Janet McLeod shared an inspiring post about Ikigai on her blog Positive Art Therapy.  Ikigai in Japanese connects us to the purposes or intentions that get us out of bed every morning to help bring happiness and meaning to our lives.  To learn more about the concept of Ikigai and how it can be applied to our daily life, career path, and relationships, check out this posting via the WorkLife Group.

Janet described a prompt she participated in that explored her Ikigai through identifying six intentions that described it in only five minutes.   After creating her list, Janet went a step further and created a file folder gluebook dedicated to her Ikigai— what a great idea!

Over at Lani Gerity‘s blog and also inspired byJanet’s post, Lani created some of her own art Ikigai art and a list using the same prompt. Lani also…

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OK, So TWO years

Yes, two whole years have gone by and it sucks even more than it did one year ago. I still have no idea how I am still here and Seth is not here. That is not supposed to be. And I have no words left to say. At least not now.


Another Day In the Life of Debbie . . .

Amazing, two day’s in a row and I am still here!  But a boring day at that.  Went to physical therapy today and I am doing more and more each time I go and feel so much better.  It really is amazing what exercise can do for you.  And this is coming for a life long non-believer too!  Like I always say, there is nothing like a reformed fatty!

Going through stuff to try to get rid of in the tag sale tomorrow.  It is so very hard to get rid of stuff, but it’s only stuff you know.  But some of the stuff belonged to my Seth , and that is the hardest of all.  The stuff that was from my in-laws home is easy to get rid of for me.  Perhaps a little harder for my little hubby–AKA The Grand Puba!  So we are taking it easy on Seth’s stuff for the moment and focusing on the stuff that doesn’t hold too much emotional value.

But we do have a lot of really cool stuff we are ridding ourselves of.  We have a lot of glassware, corning ware, old toys, ice skates, brand new size 5 children’s hiking books–in the box and never worn–oh Seth, why didn’t you ever use them?  And a whole bunch of my old fatty clothes!  I do hope someone, anyone will come and take these things away!

Anyway, back to work for me, no time for respite–gotta get stuff ready!  Will probably not get to write a post until next week.  Doing these tag sales in exhausting!

Good nite my baby, sweet dreams my Seth, don’t let the bed bugs bite–love you a whole bunch and always will.

Seth’s mom, Debbie


A Year Has Gone By . . .

Amazing how time really does fly by and really nothing changes. It is almost as if time stands still sometimes. I am still here though; alive and well and a tiny bit older, but not much wiser. No lessons learned as yet. I did lose one hundred pounds though–wow, Debbie; how did you do that? It is easy if you don’t have an appetite. But I do look amazing if I don’t say so myself! And I feel so much better. I can walk without all of the knee pain that I had. And of course without those giganto boobs it makes it easier too!

But in just two weeks I am going for reconstruction surgery and I will not be known as the uni-boob woman any longer–yay me! I really do have to make a piece of art about that–wow I see a project to focus on in these two weeks along with all of the other things I have to do!

And this weekend we are having a yard sale with our good friends Alice and Steve. It’s good to get rid of stuff–yes! But on the other hand, so very hard. Yes, some of the items are Seth’s old things, and I die a little bit each day just knowing that he is not here any longer.

Oh, and we finally gave our very first scholarship from the Seth J Kahn Memorial Foundation I gave a speech in front of an audience of graduating seniors from Mamaroneck High School nd their families. I presented The Seth Kahn Prize for Creativity in the Preforming Arts to a graduating student, Eric Glauber, who much like Seth, thinks outside the box but also uses will and skill to turn those thoughts into performances on the stage. It was bitter sweet but lovely. We plan on continuing and giving many more scholarship awards to many more students in many more schools. And I am working on creating a website for the foundation. I’ll keep you posted.

Anyway, gotta run and go to the hospital for pre-op testing. Oh yeah, Harold is going to be Grand Puba tonight–a big yeah for him! He will be Master of his Masonic Lodge and he is very happy!

Take care to all of you who read this stuff out there in the wild yonder–the musing of a wild and crazy unhinged woman!

Sleep tight my sweet Seth. I still haven’t seen you in my dreams, but I am waiting patiently my Seth. As I take a deep breath I know you are with me each day, I only hope that some day we will be together again. I love you and miss you so very much–it makes my heart ache . . .

Debbie Presenting Seth Kahn Award for Creativity in the Performing Arts MHS 2011


Yes, it has been a very long time folks

So I started writing a new post and it was fabulous and I got interrupted and Harold came home early–amazing–and I want to post a photo and the computer froze and –poof–it was gone.  Like very bad magic it was gone.  Don’t you just hate that in your computer?  Well, damn!

And I even put some turkey thighs in the oven and got dinner cooking.  I am so angry about the missing stuff because I really liked it a lot.  That will teach me to save stuff.  But you think I would have learned that very lesson so long ago when I lost other stff.  But you know this happens a lot.  So I guess I didn’t learn the lesson of saving stuff on the computer!  Bad Debbie!

So what did I even write about?  I really have no clue!  and you know, life is much too short to worry about the lost stuff on the blog.  Eventually I will think of it but I don’t care and neither should you!

I think though that I wrote that i really am waisting much too much time playing games on Facebook.  am I addicted to this stuff?  Perhaps I need to start a support group for us Facebook gamers who are addicted to Farmville, Mafia, YoVille, Hotel City, Restaurant City, and what else, well, I don’t even know!  But really Harold gets so angry at me when I am playing these games and not doing something else that is on my list of things to do that I don’t do and then complain about not having time to do.

Wow, I cannot believe I said that in one sentence.  Not good sentence structure at all!  My seventh grade teacher Mr. Trundle with only one arm would have been so upset!  You know he made me memorize all of those prepositions and taught us how to diagram a sentence.  Did any of you learn how to do that–huh?  I think it is a lost art!

Wow, also amazing how I can go off on a tangent!  I really must have ADD like my good friend Sheryl says I do–love you Sheryl!

But no, I didn’t write any of this before.

Must go do some work now and will try to write this blog much more often.

Good night my dear sweet Seth.  I love you, I will love you always.  And I will see you in my dreams my dear sweet child.  Good night and sleep well.


Here it is again–the morning and I haven’t slept a wink

Yes, I have been up the entire night–what a drag.  I caught Harold’s cold that he got from waiting at a job site all day on Monday and there was no heat and he had to wait for the building inspector to come and approve the work that was being done on this house he is building in Queens right now.  So the guy came finally, but Harold came down with a cold the very next day.  And then of course, now I have it.  And it’s a rotten horrible cold.  The kind where you sneeze, your eyes water and burn and mucus drips out of your nose and your nose gets all red and bleeds from using tissues too much.  Yes, I hate this.

I hate this because when I get sick it doesn’t just last a few days, no.  It lasts, and lasts and lasts well beyond what anyone else has that is like a normal cold.  Why is that?  I have always been this way when I get sick and I am sick of being sick and sick of colds lasting so very long for me.  What?  I still am asking why?  Why to the sickness, why to the colds, and yes, why to Seth being killed.

When will this utter horribleness stop already?  I really do feel just like Job from the Bible.  I mean what is the reason to go on, what is the point?  Looking for a job that will make me happy.  No, nothing will make me truly happy any longer, but a job, a reason for living.  I need to find some purpose in life.  If our life could be destroyed so can anyones.  We really do have zero control over our lives.  I try to stay up and positive, but it is so hard.  Just one year without work and being sick and my son getting killed and I feel so down so out of it much of the time.  I try to find humor in things.  I try to help others and do things that I enjoy.  I love it when I can make someone else happy.  But why can’t I be happy?

It is no wonder I cannot sleep.  I cannot go on thinking so negatively.  I used to be such a positive person.  What’s the saying?  When life gives you lemons you got to make lemonade out of it.  I do not know.  It is just so damn hard.  Perhaps we’ll win the lottery–we could sure use it now.

Good night my dear sweet Seth . . .I’ll see you in my dreams.

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